How the Grinch Hangs Christmas Lights

Well crap.

Last year the old Christmas lights that made it through almost twenty years of abuse finally joined the ghosts of Christmas Past. So I bought 200 feet of new ones and decided to add some coverage to what had been my long-standing, standard, eave-running, window-circling template for illuminating the festive mood in my dark winter heart. I even bought a new extension ladder to give me access to the apex of the gable on the front of the garage. The damn thing even held my weight without collapsing. Wobbling, shaking, creaking… yes. Collapsing? No.

For some reason I have a childhood memory of outdoor lights on our house having changed over the years from multi-colored to an alternating pattern of red and green. I convinced Becky last year that I needed to reconstruct that childhood memory (accurate or not) and buy strings of red and strings of green, then remove every other light and recreate the alternate red-green pattern that held such irrational attraction to me. Eventually she agreed and we spent the afternoon rearranging bulbs on exterior light strings with joyous sounds of Grandma getting run over by a reindeer blasting through the house. Nevermind the part where we somehow managed to get out of sequence, or start one string in red, then another in green. Makes sense right. We’re trying to alternate. Except that we didn’t bother to think about whether the string had an odd or even number of bulbs. Crap.

Hanging the lights is always a breeze – since I’ve discovered the power of a staple gun and lost my fear of shorting out the wires and burning down the house when a staple cuts through the protective coating of the wires. I guess I just thrive living on the edge.  So somehow my random attempt to add more footage worked out really well. The 25-foot strands ran out in logical places and access to the limited outside electrical sources was reasonable, too. When I turned them on, they lit up and looked just like I had imagined they would. The red-green memories came flooding back… and I realized that it really wasn’t all that cool after all.

Then the last strand on one of the runs shorted out. Crap. It had to be an errant staple. I spent the next hour in the dark on a stepladder with a tiny LED flashlight looking for someplace a staple was too tight. I found a couple of places, replaced the staples and the fuse for that section and re-lit my red and green wonderland. They stayed on for less than an hour and then shorted again. I repeated my failed method three more times over the next two nights and each time the result was the same. Then Becky suggested that I read the box.

What a ridiculous idea. There’s nothing a box of of Christmas lights can tell me that I don’t already know…. except that for some reason these new and improved lights aren’t supposed to have more than three strands run together. It was the fourth (maybe fifth, come to think of it) strand that had been shorting out. Crap. The inelegant solution was to split the strand at two and run a long extention cord from the power source to the mid point of the run. Worked like a charm… except for the orange power cord running up the side of the house. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. So I hear. Along all the racket of the pipers pipers piping and the drummers drumming. Where’s a silent night when you need one.

Fast forward to December 12, 2009. The lights aren’t up yet this year. Should be easier… the strands are already merrily alternating in red and green (although I’m yearning for mulitcolors again, or maybe some icicle lights). I was supposed to do this two weeks ago after Thanksgiving, but somehow a day of rest seemed like a better way to induce holiday cheer than hanging lights. It could wait until the next weekend. On the following weekend, the four-year-old drought AND global warming seemed to cry uncle at the same moment. It really hadn’t been wetter, windier, or colder here at the same time since as long as I could remember.

Today is December 12. Another week has passed – and a relatively dry one at that. I planned to get the lights up today. Except the rain has returned. So I do what I can. I get the boxes of Christmas decorations down from storage above the garage. I set up the fake Christmas tree and then open the box of outside lights. As I’m opening it, I wonder if I remembered to put a diagram in the box to remind me of the set up from last year. There’s nothing but lights. Crap. I don’t even remember how long a strand is.

So I measure one strand, count the number of strands and head outside during a lull in the rain get some critical measurements of the areas I intend to light. I’m at a loss as to what I did last year that was so logical, that used up just the right amount of lights – no coming up a few feet short, or too long. There doesn’t seem to be a way to do it. Finally I find the solution. I’m pretty sure it matches what I did last year. Until I remember that it requires running four strands together, and I need to end at three. Crap.

Forty-five minutes later I have a workable solution. And the rain is back. The dog, a loyal nine-year-old Golden Retriever – who’s not sure why he has to be outside with me in the first place- is alternating between laying at the front door, wondering when someone will open it, and standing in the rain wondering if he likes it or not.  There’s a fifty foot run that’s mostly under cover, so I decide that me and the staple gun are going to get started creating Christmas spirit, damn it.

The first fifty feet are done. The next section needs to wait until the rain stops. Tomorrow’s supposed to be drier.

Which brings me to the point of this wandering tale. I’m not going to be finished hanging the lights until I make note of how the strands go together. Next year, I won’t need a note in the light box that says anything but, “Read the blog entry from December 12, 2009. Skip all the crap at the beginning of the post and check out the unordered list at the the bottom:

Christmas Light Map:

Run 1 – Three strands (entry way and eaves off the living room)

• Start at the northeast corner of the entry way (outside left facing from the front door).
• Start with a female end of a strand and move clockwise around the entry way until you return to the northeast corner
• Run the remaining portion of the strand out to the northeast exterior eave
• Remove lights from the transfer section under the eaves (better yet, use the strands from this year and the lights will already be removed.
• Proceed back toward the house on the eave, turn right and proceed to the corner of the house closest to the palm tree
• Run excess up the side eave to a point in line with the electical plug near the chimney.

Run 2: Outline of living room window (one strand)

• Start with female end of strand at upper right corner of window.
• Proceed counter-clock wise around window
• Run rest of strand without light under the eaves to join the end of run 1
• Run timer from electrical plug. Connect extension (with two female plugs – one for each of first two runs) to the timer.

Run 3: Outline of gable in front of house (two strands)

• Start at the lower left gable eave with female end of strand
• Proceed up and down the gable
• Proceed around corner – continue to position on the eave where it crosses the gate
• Do not staple past gateline (leave remaining strand loose

Run 4: Icicles (three strands) on back of eaves behind lights from Run 3

• Start with male end at gate line where Run 3 ended
• Staple behind eave for front gable

Connect electrical and…

Feel the Christmas Spirit. Feel the Love. Damn it.